


Friends without benefits.

by younoknowme93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bottom Snape, Harry/Snape - Freeform, M/M, domestic abuse, happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 21:46:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12141795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younoknowme93/pseuds/younoknowme93
Summary: The war is over and Harry is now working at Hogwarts.  Since he began teaching, he has spent a lot of time with his fellow colleague Snape and Harry speculates that Severus is in an abusive relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I swear first of many is coming, but I just really needed to post something and I've been working on this for a while. You'll get all the chapters at once so at least there will be no waiting. So. As I said, I needed to post something. My readers are super important to me. The comments. Views. Kudos. Even the critiques, I cherish all of them and they all truly brighten my day. I can't guarantee that this will be my best work, but it's a new snarry story!   
> So on to the kinda sad topic. I found out today that my step mom has brain cancer again. It isn't likely that she will make it to Christmas... She might. Miracles do happen. But the drs. aren't really sure what can be done/ if anything can be done. I've been emotional all day. I cried myself sick. Called up my fiance (who lives six hours away) and just screams and bawled. I'm still fairly shaky and will be so for a long time. As always you can expect infrequent updates and I'm sorry about that, but dealing with this and college. Mama duck don't have much time. My youngest brother is seven and my step mom basically sat down with him and explained that.. it's very likely that she will die. And that's scary. But. Let us all remember that we only have so long on this planet. Make the most of everyday. Live a life that you would be proud to leave behind. Onward my ducklings.

I don’t think anyone could deny that Severus Snape is a smart man.  Likewise, I don’t think anyone could doubt that he lacks an understanding of social protocol and norms.  After the war he resumed teaching, and I took up Professor McGonagall’s classes and became the Gryffindor head of house.  Both of us being head of house for our respective students, Severus and I have had to spend a great deal of time around one another.  Now that I’m no longer his student, I’ve noticed many things that are so obvious that I wonder why no one else has noticed.

For one and likely the most obvious, he is not evil.  I know many of our students think of him that way, but most of the wizarding population no longer believes he was loyal to the dark lord.  He was proven innocent, and though many see him as a hero, many also can’t stand his snarky comments.  He does not have friends.  This one should be fairly obvious if one were to actually think about it.  Sometimes it’s as though he doesn’t want friends, but I have a different theory.  My theory is that he no longer knows what a healthy relationship is. 

I know Severus was abused when he was younger- both at school and at home.  Once he was no longer a student, his life continued to batter him.  I know it still affects him.  We are friends as far as I’m concerned.  Though I doubt he would call us that.  In terms of our relationship, I am close enough where I can see how much his life has affected him, but not so close that he will trust me to help mend him. 

I think… no.  I am certain that he is in a relationship with someone.  I am unsure who.  I am certain that whoever this person is, has been abusing him.  I don’t think anyone other than me has realized this.  He’s a smart man so thinking that he could fall into an abusive relationship is difficult to think about, except.  I know that it has nothing to do with intelligence.  He has always struck me as a lonely man. 

We are both heads of house so we often have meetings together.  At least once a week we meet in my sitting room.  Never his.  He is adamant about me leaving his rooms ‘untainted’.  I’ve suspected for a month now that he is in an abusive relationship.  I’m not sure for how long he has been with this person, but if my hypothesis is correct, then he has been with this monster at the very least since I first started Hogwarts.  Nearly ten years ago.  I’m hoping that I am wrong.

This isn’t just some thought without any evidence behind it.  I know what a person who is abused looks like.  I know first-hand in fact.  At first I thought what I’m sure everyone else thinks.  ‘He just doesn’t care.’  His robes are noticeably old, his hair unkempt.  I have never met a man as meticulous as Severus is.  Though I have never been in his personal rooms, his office is impeccably tidy.  Nothing is out of its place.  The ingredients are in alphabetical order for Merlin’s sake.  I cannot see a man like Severus neglecting himself in these ways.  Especially not since the war has ended.  It doesn’t add up.

Something else I’ve noticed- that everyone can attest to, he always wears long sleeves.  The dungeons are cold year-round, so I shrugged this thought initially.  My rooms are closer to Gryffindor tower, and my fireplace is always an inferno.  My rooms stay comfortably warm-to my liking.  He knows this.  He’s been to my sitting room enough times.  He’s even complained a time or two.  Still he dresses with the thick long sleeves.  He will not remove his outer robe.  When I told him to simply remove the long sleeves and only wear the shirt underneath, he promptly refused and bit a nasty comment.  He left shortly after.  I can tell my rooms are still too warm for him in the long thick clothing, but he doesn’t comment on it. 

He doesn’t eat.  That isn’t completely true.  He eats very little.  I don’t even think it’s enough to sustain him.  I don’t think I have ever seen him eat more than a couple of bites per meal.  The remaining time, he pushes the food around on his plate.  Sometimes when he’s sure no one is looking he vanishes some of the food on his plate.  I’ve read that often times some forms of abuse result in eating disorders.  Maybe that is circumstantial evidence, but it is something else that I feel should be addressed.

Another thing, Severus does not do anything beyond the things that are required for his job.  If he wishes to buy something, he orders it and has an owl deliver it to him.  He seldom leaves the castle for himself.  He seems reluctant.  I’ve asked him to accompany me to Hogsmeade. He always refuses.  His refusal is not just because it’s me either.  Since the war ended, he has been much easier for me personally to get along with.  He does not mind the occasional meeting.  Often we play wizard chess together in my sitting room.  Severus is not against spending time with me, but he is against leaving the castle. 

I haven’t confronted him yet.  I’m sure it will not go well, but if I am correct then I have to talk to him.  I’m the only one.  Severus does not have anyone else that would call themselves his friend.  Maybe he will be cross at me, but I care for him.  No doubt that he will accuse me of falling into Gryffindor idiocy.  Before I talk to him, I have to figure out how I will bring it up.  He’s a very private man, if I just charge in he will block me.  Severus needs for me to not startle him.  He needs for me to help him.  When he comes tonight for our weekly meeting/chess match I will casually bring up my childhood.  I’ll start with me.  I’ll start with the abuse I’ve experienced.  It is likely that he will not open up to me, but it will be a start.  The topic will indirectly let him know that I do not judge him or think less of him simply because his partner is abusive.  He isn’t evil.  No one deserves to be abused. 

I will make sure he knows that I care about him.  I will make sure that he knows Harry James Potter is his friend regardless of the situation.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> onward my ducklings

To play chess with Severus, one must be patient.  Strike that.  Anything dealing with Severus- one must be patient.  Chess is just one of the many times when a lack of patience will cause issues.  He likes to take his time.  Even before his first move he is strategizing.  It takes him ten minutes to decide that he wants to move his left most pawn forward one space. 

“Ron was always very good at chess.  I do not think I will ever be nearly as good as him.  Do you even enjoy playing against me… seeing as I’m not much of a challenge?”

“You have improved greatly compared to the first time we have played.  I’m sure eventually your brain will grow and you will prove to be a competent adversary.”  Here’s my opening.  I move my pawn forward.

“I never played chess until my first year here.”

“That isn’t unusual.  Many do not find chess to be interesting when they are younger.”  He doesn’t look up.  I’m not blowing this chance.

“I never played any games before I started Hogwarts.” 

“Didn’t you have another group of idiotic brats at your heels before you started school?  I’m sure whoever they were would have played with you.” 

“I didn’t have friends.  I didn’t play.  I never left my aunt’s house.” 

“You do not strike me as a hermit.”  He makes his move and I counter.

“I wasn’t permitted to leave.”

“They are both muggles, I’m sure that they worried about your magic being found out.”

“There were many things I didn’t know until I came to Hogwarts.”

“Yes, that is the point of a school.”  He’s not looking up at me.  Focusing on the game.  He knows a little about my childhood, but not enough.

“I didn’t know how my parents actually died.  I didn’t know that I was famous, or that I was the boy who lived.  I didn’t know that a madman wanted to kill me.  I didn’t know that magic existed until I received my letter.  Mr. H. Potter, The Cupboard under the Stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey.”  He looks up at me with narrowed eyes.  “I didn’t know what a cookie tasted like.  I didn’t know how a bed felt.  I didn’t know what friends were like.  I didn’t know my self-worth.  I didn’t know that my home life was abusive.”

“Mr. Potter, why are you telling me this?”

“Because I have never told anyone- not even Ron or Hermione- the truth of my life before this school.  I never told anyone.  Not even Dumbledore- though I suspect he knew.  I felt like it was safe to tell you.  Do you think less of me now?”

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to think less of you.”  His words are hiding his true feelings.  He can’t hide as easily as he once could.  His words may be harsh, but they have no bite to them.  They are said out of forced habit.  “It was brave of you to say, but I suggest refraining from telling enemies secrets about yourself.” 

“You aren’t my enemy.  In fact, I can’t think of anyone that I could trust as much as you.  You’ve saved my life so many times, I don’t think anything I reveal about myself could change your opinion of me.”

“How can you be sure?  I’ve never hidden my distaste for you.”

“Not me.  My father maybe, but I think you are quite fond of me.  Otherwise you would have stopped visiting my rooms a long time ago.”  He grunts and takes his turn.  I had forgotten we were even playing chess.  He doesn’t seem apt to continue our conversation.  I really didn’t want to take bolder moves, but I need to reopen the topic.  “Have you ever been in an abusive relationship with anyone.”

“If you search for something then you will find it.  Most relationships have elements of abuse.  The line is thin.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t have to.  It isn’t any of your business.”

“Are you in an abusive relationship now?”  He looks up at me, different from before.  I can feel him press against my mind searching for some meaning to my words.  I don’t block him.  I open myself and drop my walls.  I let him invade my mind openly.  We both sit perfectly still as he wades through my thoughts.  He pulls out and promptly stands to leave.  “Please don’t go Severus.”

“I do not need pity from anyone, least of all you.”

“You were just in my mind; did you feel any pity?”  His back goes ridged for a moment.  “Any at all?  All you saw was that I suspect you are being abused, and that I’m concerned because I care about you.  I have not gone behind your back.  I have not told Poppy though she likely does need to know, I will not be the one to tell her.”  He glares at me.  “Unless you refuse to confirm or deny that you are being abused.  At that point I will likely talk with her but even then, I will not say your name.  I will merely express to her that I suspect a close friend of mine is being abused.”

“My life is of no concern to you.”

“Then tell me that I am wrong.  Tell me that I looked for something that isn’t there.”

“He isn’t abusing me!”  For a short moment his anger flares before he swallows it.  “No matter how it seems, he is not abusing me.”  So there is someone.  A male.  Friend or…?

“Severus are you gay? Or maybe this person is just a friend?”  He pales for a moment when he realizes what he’s said.  He hasn’t spoken in a while.  I know with him one needs to be patient.  I didn’t want to talk about this, but if it’ll help, then I will.  “I will not think differently of you if you are or if you aren’t.  I am gay and will not be bothered if you are as well.  Similarly, if you are not then that is perfectly fine as well.”  After several minutes he still hasn’t spoken.

“He isn’t abusive.”

“Do you swear to me that you are telling the truth.  Swear on my life that you are not lying to me.”  His finger twitches around the cup he is holding.  I already know the truth, but I cannot force him to tell it to me.

“Why your life.  Isn’t it customary for one to swear on his own life?”

“When one swears on something, they swear on something that person deems valuable.  I have little doubt that you hold my life far above your own.  I think if I asked you to swear on your own life, that you would still be tempted to lie.  You’ve put your life in danger many times in order to preserve my own life.  Thus I am asking you to swear on my life.”  He takes a sip of his tea.  His tea that he takes with honey instead of sugar. 

“I am hesitant to call his actions abuse.  I’m sure many would see it that way though.  It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.  You’ve taken enough shit in your life.  You don’t need some asshole on top of that.  How long have you been with him?”  He exhales loudly.  Severus looks tired and resolved.

“Since the beginning of my fifth year at Hogwarts.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the chapters are short so I image most of you will read this all in one sitting. Onward my ducklings.

“Severus?”  His hand is shaking around his cup.

“I still think that you are concerned over nothing.”

“Then why are you so nervous?  If you are sure that what he is doing isn’t abuse, why are you shaking Severus.”

“I,” He takes a sip of his drink. “Do not like having my life examined.”

“But you are going to talk to me about this?”

“I may not answer every question, but I suspect this is the only way to get you to drop the subject.”

“Who is it?”

“I cannot say.”  He takes another sip of his drink.

“Severus please.”  He exhales lightly.

“I cannot tell you his name because if word got out then it could cause major distress to him.”

“And to you?”

“Of that I am not concerned.  At the least I would be asked to leave the school, at the most I would have to go to a place where no one knows of me.”

“So no one knows that the two of you are in a relationship.”

“We are not in a relationship.  Not in the traditional sense.”

“Then in what sense are you two together?”  His ears are faintly turning pink, but otherwise his face remains neutral.  He hasn’t said anything.  “Severus, I am not your student.  I’m an adult.  I am aware that adult relationships contain intimacy.  So the two of you are just what, bed mates?”

“More or less.”

“Do I know him?”  His head slightly tilts in a nod before he takes a sip of his tea.

“Do you perhaps have anything stronger?  I think I might need it.”  His fingers are still twitching around the cup handle. 

“Fraid not.  I don’t much care for alcohol.  And from what I’ve seen you do not either.”  I’ve never seen this man drink anything stronger than tea.

“I don’t typically drink.  This just seemed like a good time to start.  Yes.  You know him.  Please do not ask any other questions about his identity.  I do not want you to know.”  That simple request throws me back.  He looks so withdrawn, but also apathetic.  “Maybe it is abuse.  I don’t know.  It just seems normal to me.  My father was much worse to my mother.  He rarely strikes me whereas my father did it almost nightly.  Maybe because my father got drunk almost nightly.”  He’s shaky.  I’ll blame his openness on that.

“So this man does physically harm you.”

“I just said… almost never.  Hell, you have to understand.  I can’t hold my tongue to save my life, it’s bound to grate on anyone’s nerves.  Especially when two people have spent long lengths of time together.”

“That isn’t an excuse to hurt you.”

“I’m not some emotional damsel.  I’m fine.  Things are fine.”

“Because you love him?”  He laughs for a moment.

“No.  I don’t think I’ve ever loved him.” 

“Well you have to have some reason for being with him nearly twenty-five years.”

“No reason that I care to share with the class.”  He’s locked his emotions off.  He’s trying to get through this conversation showing as little of himself as possible.

“What if I guess it.”  He quirks an eyebrow at me.  “Give me three tries.  If I can guess it on one of those three, then you tell me everything.  Every question I ask, you answer.”

“And when you don’t figure out?”

“Then we will stop the conversation entirely.  I will not ask another question.  I will not tell anyone any of my suspicions, and unless you desire to talk about it, then I will not bring it up again.”

“You swear.”

“On your life.  If I do not guess correctly on one of my three chances, then I will drop this matter.”

“It’s a deal then Mr. Potter.”  I already know.  I don’t need three.  I don’t even need two.  I already know.  “Well, have at it, I’m ready to close this book.”  I already know.  But I’m going to use this to gain more knowledge on this.

“Is it because the sex is good?”  His face does flush for a moment before he forces the color back.

“No.”

“Then the sex isn’t good?”  His face is twisting in obvious discomfort. 

“It has nothing to do with sex.”

“But it’s not good?”  He exhales exasperated. 

“It is adequate.”  Severus is either really modest or the guy takes pleasure from him without returning the favor. 

“Alright, guess two.  He’s rich.”

“No.”

“So he’s poor?”  He flinches slightly.  I pretend not to notice.

“He has ample money, but that has never been important to me.  I am not a whore for hire.”  He looks slighted. 

“I didn’t think you were that type of person, and if you were then you certainly hide it well.”  He has money.  A selfish lover with money.  “Alright.  My final guess.”  He tenses slightly.  “I don’t want to lie to you.  I knew the real reason before I even arranged this deal.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about you brat.”  He’s trying to force venom into his words.

“I’ve not been a brat in a long time.  I do understand you know.  I don’t think less of you for it.”

“I don’t have the faintest idea of what you are talking about.”

“Your reason for staying with him all this time.  I don’t think less of you for your reason.”

“You are insane.  You have no idea of what you are talking about.”

“The reason you started the relationship and have stayed thus far.  Because he wanted you.  Does that about sum it up?  You grew up in an abusive household.  You were an awkward child that grew into an awkward teenager.  Someone expressed interest in you and you willingly gave yourself to him.  You didn’t care if what he did was technically abusive because he wanted you.  He gave you self-worth.  That monster convinced you that your self-worth was equal to how much he cared about you.  That’s your reason.  He wanted you, and you wanted to be wanted.  The reason is almost textbook.”  His mouth is slightly open and his eyes show an emotion akin to panic.

“No one else wanted me.”  His voice breaks a bit.  He’s trying to justify his actions.

“Severus, I told you.  I don’t think any less of you.  I understand.  You found someone who expressed interest in you, but he happened to be abusive.  That isn’t your fault.  I understand.”

“No one else wanted me.”  He brings the cup to his lips, but there isn’t any tea left inside to drink.

“Will you answer my questions now.”  He opens his mouth to speak.  Anger has replaced the fear in his eyes.  “I just want to help you Severus.  I’m your friend.  I care.”  The anger fades just as quickly as his eyes lose all color.

“She said the same thing.  Lily.  He told me that I was too close to her.  She was my best friend.  My only real friend.  He didn’t like that.  I told him he didn’t have to be worried about her.  But maybe he did.  She had already started to question my relationship with him.  The occasional bruise.  The withdrawal from her.  He was always angry because I cared about her.  She was angry that I wouldn’t confide in her.  Later that year I called her a… you saw the memory.  He called her that all the time.  I didn’t mean it.  That doesn’t make it right, but I regretted it immediately.  He said that it’s alright and that by ending my friendship with her, I made it easier for myself.  I was branded with the dark mark before the year was out.  I didn’t want to, but he was so proud of me.  I was happy.  He pulled me to his side the night I was marked and for the first time he didn’t hurt me during sex.  He took me gently.  I was so happy.  I thought that since I handed my soul over that things would change.”  He hasn’t looked at me at all.  I don’t even think he’s talking to me right now.  “I hated that my friendship with Lily was over, but she was in love with James Potter, and he hated me.  She was going to leave.  She wouldn’t have chosen me over Potter.  Nor would I have wanted her to.  I wanted her to be happy.  She loved him.  She would have left.  If she left and then he left I would have no one.  But that isn’t Lily.  She wouldn’t have left me.  I know that now, but at the time I was so certain that I would be alone.  I traded the only friendship I had for a man that would hold me.”

“Who is he Severus.”  He exhales and looks up at me.

“Lucius Malfoy.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I'm not building too much... sorry for that my ducklings.

“He’s married.” I don’t mean for my voice to sound like It’s judging him.  I didn’t mean to say anything.  Luckily he does not become angry.

“I am aware.”

“Does she know?”

“I’m assuming you mean his wife.  Yes.  And Draco as well- though to a lesser extent.  He knows that I have been by his father’s side for a long time and that I follow his orders.  Narcissa knows… everything.  It is hidden from the public eye, but both Lucius and Narcissa have taken lovers.  Their marriage was arranged by their parents when they were still students.  They sleep in separate rooms and have little to do with one another inside of their home.  I doubt they have been intimate since Draco was conceived.”

“And you are still with him?”

“As you know, his connections were able to keep him from the same fate that other death eaters fell into.  He knew that I was a spy, and cared very little.   There was no harm that could be done to him.  If Voldemort discovered my true allegiance, then Lucius would feign ignorance.  Simultaneously, if the dark lord was brought down then he would profit from having a close friend on the side of light.  He did not particularly care who would triumph in the war, as long as he remained on the winning side.” His finger traces the rim of the small tea cup.  “Yes.  I am still with him.”

“He’s an attractive man.”

“I suppose.  That wasn’t important to me though.  I am quite aware of my physical features.  I care vary little for what others look like.  If he weren’t attractive, then I would have still let him hold me.  Because he wanted to.  He was the first to want to… the only one to ever want to really.”

“Do you have any friends- other than me?”

“Lucius.  Lucius and you- if you really consider yourself my friend.”

“He isn’t your friend.  If he were, then he would not hurt you.”

“He is my friend.  Regardless of how he may or may not treat me, he is my friend.  Even Lily couldn’t save me, but he did.  I lived with him.  He discovered what my home life was like and he saved me from it.”

“You only traded one abuser for another.”  Severus glares at me.

“I had nothing.  I’m a half-blood from a poor family.  My father beat me regularly.  Food was withheld from me; basic human needs were denied.  You slept in a cupboard, I slept in a dog crate.  Freaks do not get the privilege of sitting on the furniture like normal humans do.  He saved me from it.  No matter what Lucius does to me now- no matter if he strikes me, or insists that I only get an allowance from the money I earn, or expresses my short comings- my standard of living is much better than it could have ever been otherwise.”  He’s grinding his teeth together.

“Severus.”

“Do NOT talk to me as if you could possibly care.  I will not have you dissect the choices I have made in my life.”  I take this moment to refill his cup of tea.  The chess board lay long forgotten.

“You are the bravest man I have ever known.”  The compliment throws him off balance.

“I will not have you try to sway me with your moronic lies.”

“I’m not lying.  You’re a smart man.  I’m sure you know bravery is not singularly charging into a dangerous situation.  I know you have been through a lot.”  He flinches slightly.  His limp hair sticks to his face and I smile at him.  “You worked hard to give yourself a better life.”  I pour some honey into his untouched tea.  “It could still be better though.  Don’t stop fighting now.  You don’t have to fight alone.  I’ll be beside you for as much- or as little as you want.  Don’t stay beside a man that treats you less than you deserve.  Leave him.  End your relationship with him.”

“I will not return to before.”

“I’m not asking you to Severus.  You are an adult.  You are not a child required to stay in your parent’s responsibility.  You have a home.  You have a job.  You are still plenty young enough where you could make other arrangements for yourself if the current ones are not to your liking.  You do not have to have a keeper. (1)” I reach out and grasp his hand in mine.  He doesn’t respond.  His hand is cold and clammy.   “I am your friend.  I do care about you.  If you are hesitant to speak to him yourself then I will happily come with you.  I can even bring my invisibility cloak so that he doesn’t know I’m there.  I would prefer you not go alone because I worry that he might harm you.  It is your life.  I cannot force you to leave him, but I know you will be happier when you do.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”  He’s looking into his tea cup.

“I’ve been with Lucius for so long.  He was all of my firsts.  He’s always been by my side helping me navigate social waters.  It was the only way I wouldn’t drown.  I relied on him.  He saved me.  I cannot just betray him.”

“Severus.  I know you are a loyal man.  I know how deeply you take your commitments.  You are not betraying him.  You do not owe him anything.  Friends help one another.  That is normal, that is healthy.  What he has done to you is not normal or healthy.  The war is over.  You can let yourself be happy.  Please.”

“I do not understand why you are so concerned over my well-being.  Mr. Potter, you insist upon us meeting to share a cup of tea or play chess.  I know I made your school years difficult.  Why are you troubling yourself over this?  Is it your idiotic Gryffindor attempts to ‘save’ me?”

“It’s because I love you Severus.”  His eyes narrow at me.  “It’s true.  You’ve saved my life countless times.  You were the only one that treated me like Harry Potter instead of ‘the boy who lived’.  You didn’t hero worship.  You may have not always been fair, but you did care about me.  Is it so hard to believe that I might love you?”

“I have no desire to be a pseudo parent to you.”

“Good.  I have no desire to see you as a parental figure.”  His eyes narrow at me again.

“I do not understand.”

“I do not love you in the way a child loves their parent.  I love you in the way a man loves another man.”  His shoulders are tense.

“I will not have you mock me boy!”

“Severus I am not mocking you.  I am not even trying to pursue a relationship with you.  I am content being your friend.  I only wanted to make sure that you knew that it’s not an impossible thought for someone to want more than friendship from you.  It doesn’t have to be Lucius or even me.  You are not obligated to be with anyone, but do not stay with someone who mistreats you simply because you doubt you could find another.”  He stands.

“I will be taking my leave now.”  Before he gets to the door I grasp him arm.

“Severus, I will not force you to stay.  I might have been hasty, but I am not mocking you.  I wanted you to know.  I’m not expecting anything to come out of it.  I’m just saying that- if it were me holding you, then you would never be mistreated.  I wouldn’t keep you hidden from the public.  I would want everyone to know.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Alright Severus.  Please.  Take care of yourself.  You are always welcome to return.”

He doesn’t reply.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half way done. Onward my ducklings.

The next day during breakfast in the great hall, I noticed that he made it a point to not look at me.  He pushes the food around his plate tiredly.  His fingers are black.  No one else seems to notice… or care. 

“Good morning Severus.”  He completely ignores me.  He brings a fork to his mouth, but there isn’t any food on it.  He doesn’t look at me at any point throughout the meal and regardless of what I say, his empty gaze stays locked on his plate.  I don’t want to cause a scene, and I can think of no other way of getting his attention without pulling attention to us. 

Too soon he leaves.  His shoulders hunches.  This isn’t the Severus I know.  He’s making himself small- invisible.  Neither of us have any classes today.  I finish eating quickly and rush down to the dungeons.  I can’t leave things how they ended yesterday.  These are the moments that I’m glad that I started carrying the invisibility cloak with me.  It doesn’t take long for me to catch up to him, and I immediately pull the cloak over me. 

Following him just close enough where he can’t get away.  I have to corner him.  If he has the ability to get away, then he will.  This is for his sake.  He pauses for a moment and turns around.  My hand quietly covers my mouth.  He’s a very observant man.  When he feels sufficiently satisfied, he turns to a portrait and whispers a password.  The painting opens to him and he walks into what I assume to be his room.  I shimmy inside careful not to bump him. 

The painting closes behind him with an echoed thud.  He removes his outer robes and stands in just a long sleeved shirt and pants.  Just as much skin is covered as before, but he looks much more naked like this.  The clothing hangs off of him.  It’s much too large.  He’s much too thin.  In this moment of quiet I look around.  The room is mostly bare.  It’s so different from his office.  Nothing is on the wall, the fireplace looks as though it has never been lit.  There is only one chair.  I’m sure he doesn’t have company enough to bother with having one for a guest. 

The rooms are also distinctly darker than mine are.  The room is bathed in a candle lit glow.  If the rest of the room were not so barren, then it could almost be called romantic.  I hear a noise in the other room and Severus turns towards a closed door.

“Lucius.  I believe that I said I would come to you.  Though you have been cleared of your crimes, it would not look favorable on either of us for you to be in the castle uninvited.”  The door opens and the long haired man elegantly walks out and takes a seat in the only available chair.  Severus remains standing. 

“I did not wish to wait.”  I was going to speak with Severus the moment his door closed, but the situation has changed.  If I removed the cloak, then it could end badly for Severus.  A fellow colleague- one twenty years younger, sneaking into his room.  I don’t need to wonder what Lucius would think.  I can’t leave either.  They would both notice a door opening on its own.  “Come Severus.  My legs are quite sore.”  He kneels in front of him and eases the robes up.  Long stained fingers begin massaging the legs in front of him.  He takes his time with each leg.  Then he removes each shoe and continues the massage.  After some time, Lucius stops him.  “Now.  Up.”  Severus hesitates for a moment, but then the robes are hiked further up and the pants are being unclasped and pulled down. 

I watch his mouth close around a flaccid penis.  I really want to look away.  I really want to watch.  This isn’t something I should see.  I can’t leave.  I can’t say anything.  Severus is already pissed at me, if I let him know what I’m witnessing then he’d never forgive me.  Severus isn’t sucking Lucius for very long when he is stopped.

“You are still inadequate at this.  Turn around and pull down your pants.  Leave your clothes on.”  He’s nodding and following the order.  I watch those fingers close around the button, but hesitate.  “Come now.  Don’t make me wait.”

“Could I just, suck you off.  I’ll do better.”

“I don’t want it that way.  Pull down your pants or I will leave.  I have no other need to be here.”  Should I intervene.

“I understand.”  The button is unlatched and the pants are pulled just low enough for Lucius to pull Severus into his lap.  He doesn’t prepare him.  He doesn’t touch him.  Severus is wincing and clearly in pain, but Lucius is already taking him fast.  Severus’s fist is shoved into his mouth to quiet himself.  Lank black hair is hanging in his face, but I’m standing right in front of him.  I can see.  I can see the trails of tears he’s trying to hide.  This isn’t good.  This isn’t healthy.  I need to stop this.  I’m about to remove the cloak when I hear Severus’s voice.

“Stop.”  He chokes out the word and throws himself from the body under him.  I want to go to him.  I want to place my hand on his back and sooth him. 

“Severus.  What is the meaning of this?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”  He’s pulling his pants up.  I try not to get concerned over the blood.  He looks so small.  I don’t like seeing him like that.  A man with this much pride should not be on his knees.

“You’ve been fine with it since we were students.  Why are you suddenly changing your mind?”  Lucius is calm.  He doesn’t even seem to care that he’s erect and exposed.  He doesn’t care that Severus is securely latching his pants or that he’s grabbed his robes to drape over him.  Another layer of protection maybe? 

“I’ve been unsure about this arrangement for a while.”

“I think you’ve just found someone else to tolerate you.”

“There isn’t anyone else.  I just don’t want to do this anymore.  Please leave.”  His tone is calm. 

“This isn’t the first time you’ve suddenly wanted no more of this.  You always come back.  Let’s just skip to you begging me to hold you again.”

“This isn’t like those other times.  My reasons are different.”

“Your reasons are the same.  Someone is paying you a spot of attention, and you think they are interested in you.  No one is interested in you.  Now come back to me.”

“No.”  The word holds no strength.  “There isn’t anyone.”

“Sure there is.  That’s always your reason.  The first time was that mudblood girl when we were in school.  Then, it was the same when you became Dumbledore’s lap dog.  You tried to break it off.  You were back within days.  Both left you and when you realized that you were alone, you returned.  You will this time too.  You were so dependent on Dumbledore, you so wanted him to desire you.”

“I was never interested in Albus.”

 “Wrong.  He never had any interest in you.  Your standards are so low anyone who doesn’t hate you publicly, you follow.”

“He was concerned and asked that I be careful.  That was the only exchange.”

“And who is concerned this time.”

“No one.  I have no one.” 

“Of course you don’t.  You never have.  And you never will besides me, but someone is trying to play hero.  Do you really think that they care?”  The long haired man is laughing.  “If they really cared then why didn’t they save you from the real monster.  Your father.  Who saved you from that dog crate?”

“You did.” 

“Right.  Now come back.”

“No.  I do not wish to continue this.  I don’t think this is healthy.  You are an attractive man.  You could easily find another to warm your bed.”

“If I leave now, then I will not take you back.”  Severus nods.

“I hope you stay true to your word.  You were always much better than I about keeping to your promises.  I do not want for you to take me into your bed again.  If you refuse me, it will only help me in this endeavor.”  I hear the sound before I see the movement.  I blink and a hand is connected to Severus’s cheek.  The loud sound still echoes off the walls.  His right cheek is already turning red.

“Why?”  Lucius asks.

“Because no one has ever desired me.  I think a part of me wanted to love you.  You were the hand that pulled me out of the darkness.  It didn’t matter that you only pulled me into another cage.  The cage was larger.  So large that at times I never noticed the bars.  But it is still a cage.”

“You’ll be alone.”

“I’m aware of that.”  This time the open hand curls tightly into the same cheek.  Severus’s head is thrown back, but he puts up no resistance.  I want to step in.  I’m afraid if I do Severus will return to Lucius. 

“You’ll return.”

“I’ll kill myself first.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’ve traded one abuser for another my entire life.  I’ve noticed the trend.  Even if I did find another willing to overlook my numerous short comings, they would likely abuse me as well.  It is healthier for me to have no contacts.  I will not return to you.”  Severus is pushed down; Lucius is pinning him to the ground.  My hand tightens around the cloak.  What’s the line?  What line do I not let him cross?  If he hits him again?  If Severus cries? 

“You were happy.”

“I’ve never been happy.”  Another fist, but this time square to his face.  His nose is bleeding.  “I can’t do it any more Lucy.”  He’s smiling brokenly uncaring of the pain.  “I just can’t.  I can handle the abuse, if that is what is it.  I can handle being a secret, that’s all I’ve ever known.  I can handle hating myself Lucy.  I can handle you using me.  I can handle hiding the bruises and lying about how many there are.  But I can’t handle that I’m becoming my mother.  I hated her Lucy.  I hated her more than I hated my father.  She let him hurt her.  She let him hurt me.  I can’t handle that I’m willing to let you do the same things my mother let my father do to her.”

“Severus, I’m not your father.”  The man that made my life hell is openly crying, and my heart shatters.  Severus is broken. 

“Yes you are.  And I’m my mother.  I can’t do it anymore Lucy.” 

“Sev.”

“I hate myself Lucy.”  Long strands of silken white hair fall from their clasp and dangle down below into the sullen man’s face.  Severus leans into the threads and openly inhales. 

“What if I told you that I love you?  Would that be enough?” 

“No.”  The words are absolute.

“I’ve always cared more for you than I did for Cissy.  You know that?”

“Yes.  I know.”

“That isn’t enough either.”

“No.  It’s not.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's currently 1:30 a.m. where I am at... but I can't sleep because of all that... stuff and I also have a cal II test tomorrow that I'm not ready for... yay! Onward my ducklings.

“It’s the Potter brat isn’t it?  The one that told you this was unhealthy.”

“Yes.  That bumbling Gryffindor was concerned for me, but that isn’t my reason for ending this.”

“You always were fond of him.”

“Sometimes it’s almost like she’s still alive.  I hate him for it.  I hate him for existing, but if he were to die everything would be gray.  Lucy, he told me that he loves me like a man loves another man.”  Severus, why would you tell him that.  He’s going to hurt you more.  He’s going to…

“Do you believe him?”

“No.  He’s obviously playing hero, but if he thinks that I’m so pathetic that I need him to lie to me about such a thing, then maybe I should rework my life.”

“He could be telling the truth.”

“No.  That most certainly isn’t the case.  I do not imagine he said it out of a malicious intent, but he clearly feels responsible for me.  The foolish boy.”

“He looks like James Potter.  I don’t know how you can stand to be in the same room as him.”

“Lucy, you know I never hated Potter the way you did.  It was him who hated me.”

“Hell.  Everyone hated you.”  The words don’t hold any malice.  And Severus actually smiles.  “Sev, I could be a good lover.”  Lucius says seriously. 

“Then go to Cissy.  Tell her that you want to love her.  Tell her to leave her lover for you and make a go at being a husband.  I will not tell anyone about your involvement with me.  I will not return to you under any circumstances.  Lucy.  It’s the end.  Please.  Don’t make this harder than it has to be.  You are too proud a man to worry over losing someone who… could so easily be replaced.”  The men separate.  Lucius goes to the fireplace and grabs a handful of floo powder.  Before he throws it in he turns back to the man that has now curled up into the fetal position on the ground. 

“Severus.  If you change your mind…”

“I won’t.  Please leave.” 

“Severus, I could change.  I could love you.  I could be a proper lover.”  He sounds so sincere that it almost makes me forget.  This man will only hurt Severus.

“No.  Not with me.  I’m too willing.  We would just fall back into the same.  I’d let you hurt me.  I’d let you hurt me endlessly as long as you would be there in the morning.  Some people shouldn’t allow themselves to become close to others.  Some people don’t know what is or isn’t acceptable.  I just happen to be one of those people.”

“If I leave, you will be alone.”  Severus is nodding.   

“I know Lucy.  I’m prepared for that.”

“You hate it though.  You hate being alone.”

“I hate what I’ve allowed myself to become more Lucy.”  Lucius drops the floo power back into the pot and kneels in front of Severus.  Gently he cups the bony cheek. 

“You can’t forget me.  You can’t forget the way I’ve kissed you.”  I watch the men kiss one another and I could almost convince myself that he does love Severus.  I shouldn’t be here.  I shouldn’t be invading this private moment.  Severus turns his head away from the other man

“You know how afraid I am of the dark.”  The candle flickers.  “I’ll be fine.  You don’t have to concern yourself.”  Lucius leaves and I’m left staring at a man that I really don’t know that well.  “Potter.  Take off that blasted cloak.”  My name startles me. 

“How did you know I was here?”  I say revealing myself.

“Your thoughts.  They scream loudly in my head.  Like a child that wants attention.  Now that you’ve gotten a good look at how pathetic I really am, do you want to tell me again how you desire me in a way that a man desires another.”  He smiles ruefully.

“I haven’t changed my mind.”  If anything, I think I desire him more.  I want to hold him.  Kiss the bruises away.

“Your thoughts are too sentimental.”

“I can’t help it.  I’m a Gryffindor.” 

“Why though?”  He asks.  “It doesn’t make sense.  If your intention were to hurt me, then it would, but that doesn’t appear to be what you want.”  His words catch me off guard.  I wasn’t prepared to tell him why I love him, mostly because I’ve never really thought about the why.  He gives me a moment to gather my thoughts before I speak.

“We have a lot in common.  I’m not afraid to talk to you about things that are unpleasant.  I don’t mind being weak around you.  I love how stubborn you are.  Clever.  Resourceful.  Intelligent.  Attractive.”  He scoffs.  “I find you very attractive.  I always have.  Loyal.  You are very loyal.  Severus, I don’t know every reason as to why I love you, I only know that I do love you.  I wouldn’t have said it, if it wasn’t true.  I think you know that.”  His back is facing me and he’s still curled defeatedly on the ground.

“Humor me for a moment.  Why are you here.  Why did you come here at all?  It’s almost like you knew he would be here.”

“I wanted to talk to you.  This wasn’t really planned.  How long have you known that I was here?”  He’s quiet for a moment.

“When he entered me.  Most of the time I empty my mind during it.  With my mind empty, it made it easier for your thoughts to enter my head.  I couldn’t let a student- past or otherwise- see something like that.”  He flinches when I move closer and kneel beside him. 

“Does he never prepare you first?”

“When I know that I’ll see him, then I prepare myself before meeting him.  I didn’t expect him to be here.  It doesn’t matter anymore.”  On the floor, I lay down beside him and curl against his small body.  I lay my arm over his form and just embrace him for a moment.  He doesn’t respond positively or negatively.  So we lay like that on the cold hard floor silently.

I press my nose to the back of his neck.  He smells like grass.  Earth.  Nature.  I curl my arm tighter around him.  With my hand against his chest, I can feel his heart thrumming.  I can hear his soft breathing. 

I speak.  “I’m sorry Severus.”  I don’t know what else to say in this situation.  “I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that.  I’m sorry.”  He’s stiff against me.  At first I don’t think he’s going to respond, but when he does, his voice is gruff.

“Please stop whispering against my ear.”  He squirms for a moment before forcing himself to hold still.  His arms are crossed in front of him, and from this close I can see that his high cheekbones are pink.  Even his ears are pink. 

I remove my hand from his chest and lightly touch his warm cheek.  I can’t help the smile when he shivers slightly.  As nonthreateningly as I can, I lean until my lips are nearly brushing his ear lobe.  “Severus, are you aroused?”  I feel him shiver and silence an unintelligible whimper.

“I’m sorry.”  He apologizes rapidly, an thick layer of panic covers his melodious voice.  “I’m sorry.”  He repeats again.  “I’m sorry.”  His hands come up over his head as he curls defensively into a tight ball.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done posting.

“Severus.  There isn’t any reason for you to apologize.”  I’m stroking his hair trying to calm him.  “Honestly I’m flattered.  I would like nothing more than to pleasure you Severus, but I do not want to take advantage of you.  I know that right now you are much more fragile than you are used to being.  I don’t want you to agree to something that you don’t actually want.”

“I don’t have anything to offer you.”  He says.  “I’m not skilled in pleasuring a partner.  It wouldn’t feel good with me.”  I kiss the back of his neck before I can stop myself.

“It would feel perfect with you Severus.”  I stroke his cheek again.  “Severus.  I don’t want to bring it up, but are you alright.  Before when he… entered you.  There was blood.  I saw it.”

“He tore me a little.  It happens… happened fairly often.  I have a surplus of simple healing potions that will more than heal the affected area.” 

“Good.  Let me help you up.  Let’s get you healed up now.  Your nose looks like it might have broken and your cheek is swelling.”  I go to sit up, but he doesn’t move. 

“I cannot get up.”

“Severus.  Are you hurt.”  When I try to roll him over, he stops me.

“No.  It’s not anything like that.  It’s not… I’m still…”  His ears are pink and I can’t help but smile at the cute display.

“You are still aroused.”

“Yes.”  He’s not looking at me.  “I’m sorry.  You can leave.”

“Do I have too?  I’d much rather stay if you don’t mind.”  Honestly, I’m afraid to leave him alone.

“Do as you like.”

“I would like to stay here and make sure you get healed up.  Not out of obligation Severus but because I care about you.  It’s alright if you are hard Severus.  I won’t tease you, I promise.  Come on and sit up now.  You probably shouldn’t be lying on the ground.  At least let’s get you to the chair.”  I try to speak as gently as I can, and I’m happy when he responds to it. 

He does stand- uncomfortably I might add.  His arm crosses over his chest and grabs at the fabric on his shoulder.  “The potion is in my bedroom.”  He stiffly walks to the other room and I follow him.  He leaves the door open and that’s invitation enough for me.  The bedroom is just as scarce as the sitting room.  The only furniture is a chest of drawers and a large four poster bed.  The bedroom looks much more intimate and inviting.  I watch him grab a vile and uncork it.  He dabs the concoction on his fingers and then rubs it liberally onto his face.  Once he is done he pauses.  “I cannot apply it to the… other areas with you watching.

“Do you want me to leave?”  I ask openly.

“No.”  Is his quiet reply.  “I… do not want you to think that I am… easy.  But I do not want you to leave either.”  His eyes are tightly closed as if hiding from any weakness.  “It is not because I am vulnerable.  I just want to be touched.  Until this point, no one has ever touched me gently.  It is something I crave but not something I have ever been given in abundance.”  I close the small gap between us.

“Severus.  May I kiss you.”  His eyes are wide and unsure even as the space between us grows smaller and smaller.  When I whisper, the words ghost over his thin chapped lips.  “All you have to say is yes and I will.  Or no and I will not.”  I watch as a small pink tongue darts across his lips and his breath hitches.  The tension could be cut with a knife. 

“I.. yes.”  His eyes are closed tightly as he waits for me to make a move.  Any move.  I find it incredibly cute.  So I do kiss him.  I dot my lips against the corner of his mouth.  Then his jaw.  Then below his ear.  His voice sounds pained.  “You said you wouldn’t tease me.”

“I’m not.  I’m giving you exactly what you want.”  My arm pulls him against me as my hand presses into his back.  He shutters at the contact.  “If you want me to leave so that you can apply the potion then I will leave.  If you want me to stay.  Then I will.  If you want me to hold you.  Touch you.  Pleasure you.  Then you have to tell me.  You have to tell me what you want.”  He’s not looking at me.  His face is pink.  His eyes lidded.

“I want to feel good.” 

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” 

“Do you want me to kiss you?”  A low whine cutely escapes his mouth.  He looks disgusted at the mutinous sound.

“Yes.” 

“If I kiss you, I’ll want to do it again.  Do you still want me to kiss you?”

“Yes.”  My fingers snake into his hair as I pull his lips down to mine.  His body is stiff as I fruitlessly try to get him to respond to my gentle kiss.  But he doesn’t.  He stays perfectly still like a virgin that’s never been kissed.  A part of me actually likes the sound of that. 

“You can relax Severus.  Don’t be so nervous.  Here.  Lean against me like this.”  I softly instruct him.  Again, I take his lips against mine and revel in the timid submissive actions.  When I suck lightly on his bottom lip his eyes close even tighter.  “Let’s not get carried away Severus.”  I say pulling away.  “We still have to take care of your injury.  Should I leave.”  He crosses his arms over his chest in a defensive manner.  He’s averting his eyes from me.  “Severus.  I’ll leave if that’s what you want.  Or if you want me to stay, then I can wait outside of this room.  All you have to do is tell me what you want.  You know that right?”  He nods slowly. 

“All I have to do is tell you what I want.”

“That right.”  I assure.  He’s breathing shakily.  “Just tell me what you want me to do.”

“Even if it’s embarrassing.”  I laugh lightly and embrace him tightly.

“Yes Severus.  Especially if it’s embarrassing.  I’m not someone you have to be on guard around.  Whatever you want is fine.”

“Could you… uh… stay.  I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

“Alright Severus.  I’ll stay as long as you want me too.  But let’s take care of you.  Do you want me to turn around?” 

“If you would like you can.  I’m sure you wouldn’t want to watch me…”

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable Severus.”

“You aren’t.”  He says softly.  “You can do whatever you want as well.  I’m not afraid of you Harry.”  When I kiss his cheek, he exhales contently. 

“Would you like some help applying the potion?  It’s probably not easy to do it yourself.”  I find him incredibly sexy with his face a healthy shade of red.  His wide dark eyes search for any level of mockery but when they don’t find any, he looks down bashfully.

“If you would like to help, I would really appreciate it.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before I add the next chapter I'd like to tell all of you just in case you need someone to tell you. Abuse isn't love. And no matter what he or she (because woman can be abusive too) may say, you are good enough to deserve someone to love you right. I think everyone needs to hear that sometimes.

Severus unbuttons his pants just enough to pull them down below his bum.  I’m sure he’s aroused.  He’s breathing heavily even though I haven’t touched him.  “Severus.  It might be easier if you completely removed your pants.”  It’s clear that he didn’t expect me to say that.  In fact, he’s looking at me confused.

“Harry.  Trust me when I say that, you do not want to see me naked.”

“I’m pretty sure that I do.  If you aren’t comfortable undressing for me, then I’m not going to make you.  But I would very much like to see all of you.  And if you want, then I will show you all of me as well.”

“You will not be pleased with what you see.  A man’s body is not… “ He doesn’t finish speaking.

“Severus.  I know what I want.  And that is to see all of you.  Again, if you do not want me to see then I will not push you, but don’t try to tell me what I do or do not want.”

“I do not have an attractive body.  I have many scars.”  He lets me embrace him.  He seems to almost sigh into my arms.

“So do I Severus.”  This seems enough to convince him and he starts fully undressing.  So do I.  When he stands uncomfortably in front of me, I take the time to gently kiss his cheek.  “It’s okay Severus.”  He’s thin.  Purple and black bruises speckle his skin.  And yes.  There are scars.  Some are small nicks peppering his skin, some are long gashes across his chest.  I watch as he forces himself to hold his head high, but his eyes betray him.  He wants to curl into himself.  He wants to hide.  He’s afraid of being judged or ridiculed or worst yet, refused.  A part of me thinks maybe I should carry on and not address the blemishes, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are there.  “Are all of these from Lucius.”

“No.”  He says simply.  I’m not sure if he will elaborate, but I stay silent either way.  “I told you that you would not be pleased.”  He’s in defense mode. 

“Severus.  I’m not turned off.”  Really I’m not.  The injuries make me hurt and fill me with anger, but I’m not turned off.  “Will you let me apply the potion?”  He nods slowly and awkwardly turns away from me.  Slowly I press my hand against his upper back.  “It’ll be hard to apply it like this Severus.  Can you place your hands on the bed and spread your legs a bit?”  His long hair falls in his face, but again he nods.  I watch him move.  Long slender arms reach down until his palms dig into the mattress.  His legs widen a minuscule amount.  “You really do look quite erotic like that.”  His arms seem to shake for a moment.  His testicles are hanging cutely between his legs and his bobbing erection is leaking precum at the tip. 

I don’t see how anyone could truly find him unattractive. 

Dabbing a generous amount of the healing gel onto my fingers, I kneel behind him.  My free hand caresses his hip as comfortingly as I can, while my middle finger presses into the torn hole.  I don’t comment on the wince or the twitch of his erection. 

“Please promise to tell me if I hurt you.”  His hole doesn’t stretch easily.  Though I know he’s had sex several times, he’s still really tight.  It doesn’t make sense.  He shouldn’t be this tight.  He said that he normally stretches himself.  “Severus.  You are really tight.  I know you couldn’t this time, but do you normally stretch yourself properly.”  All at once he tenses and so to not hurt him, I stop moving my finger.  “Severus.  What is it?”

“Lucius doesn’t really like when I prepare myself.  He likes the blood.  He likes to use it as the only… lubricant.  The healing potion takes care of the rips, but I also use another potion.  It… tightens.  Lucius doesn’t like for me to be loose.”

“Relax for me Severus.  I’ll be gentle.” 

“I… I don’t think that I can.  I can’t relax.  I’m not accustomed to being touched in such an intimate way.”  If he doesn’t relax, I can’t help him.

“Alright Severus.  Can I help you relax then?  Do you trust me.”

“Yes.”  That’s all I need from him.  I start pumping his shaft and I can tell from the yelp that he wasn’t prepared for me to do that.  “I apologize.”  He says rapidly after the small sound.

“Severus, you have a lovely voice.  There isn’t any reason to silence yourself.”

“No.”  He protests.  “A man’s voice isn’t…”  He doesn’t finish his sentence. 

“I’m not Lucius.  I’m very honored to be able to see your body and to hear your voice.”

“He said that it’s disgusting.”  Severus’s tone is low and guarded.  “To see another male’s body is stomach-turning and to hear them during sex is sickening.”  His back is set in defense. 

“He’s wrong.  I can’t make you believe me Severus.  If you aren’t comfortable making noises or being seen, then I don’t want to force you.  I want you to be happy.  Part of that is for you to become intimate with pleasure.  Seeing you like this is really arousing, and I want to hear all types of pleased sounds from you.”  I stroke his full length deliberately.  “But right now, I want to apply this medicine and heal you.  In order for me to do that, I’ll need you to relax.” 

“I don’t like pain.”  He says quietly.

“That’s okay Severus.  I’m not going to hurt you.  But part of not hurting you means that you have to relax.”  I cradle his testicles in my hand and massage them.  My middle finger is still lightly pressed inside him.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  I can promise you that.  I want nothing more than to make you feel good.”  As if to prove my point, my tongue travels up the underside of his heavy cock.  A beautiful strained noise leaves his tight lips.  “Beautiful.”  He shivers lightly.  “I’m going to take good care of you Severus.”  My tongue follows the same trail again. 

“I know.”  He says in a strained voice.  I withdraw the finger slowly and reapply the medicine to it.  Newly moistened, I press it inside of him.  I feel him shiver hotly. 

“Are you alright Severus?”  Removing my finger, I press the pad of it lightly against the tight bud and rub additional medicine onto it.  When he exhales, the tight hole gives and I watch in fascination as his body accepts my digit.  I reward the enticing sight by taking him into my mouth.  I only manage to suck the tip one time before he screams and pours hot bitter cum into my stomach.  With one last lick, I release his softening member.  His knees are shaking and he’s frantically apologizing. 

“I didn’t mean to.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.” 

“Shh.  Hush now.  It’s alright.”  Severus seems to calm when he hears my voice, and I’m glad about that.  “It must have felt really good for you to have came so quickly.”  The medicine applied to my standards, I remove my finger.  “Severus, would you like to play a game of chess?”

“But you haven’t…”

“Don’t worry about that Severus.  There will be other chances.”  It takes me a moment to stand up.  “So.  Chess?”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because everything I write turns to smut.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onward my ducklings.

We played a few games and for the most part, we returned to our routine of meeting throughout the week.  I’ve not push for intimacy.  Sure I want it, but he will come to me if he wants it as well.  I’m really pent up.  For the last week, I’ve been having dreams of fucking him raw and hard.  I hope it doesn’t show on my face when I’m talking to him.  Each time his lips part to form words, I think about sheathing myself inside the wet cavern of his mouth.  Watching his cape bellow, I remember his cute hole twitching around my finger.  Next time I get near enough to that sweet spot, I want to use my tongue to lavish it. 

It’s almost unbearable being near him.  In all the right ways.

I enjoy every moment, but I’m terrified that I’ll push him into something that he doesn’t really want.  Merlin do I want sex.  But that’s not all.  I’m not going to share him.  I want all of him.  For the rest of our lives, and I can’t say if he wants that as well… or not. 

He’s been eating more lately.  Well… that is to say, he’s been eating.  I want him to be healthy.  He made me promise to not tell Poppy, so for now since the issue is more or less resolved, I will not.  I don’t think he will go back to Malfoy. 

“It’s your turn to move Severus.”  We are in my sitting room.  I think he’s more comfortable in my rooms than his own.  I won’t worry over that for now.  He’s more than welcome here.  His long fingers lay atop one of his pawns.  Idly, the tip of one of his elegant fingers circle the bulb.  Merlin.  Does he know what he’s doing to me. 

“Harry.”  He says my name quietly as if he doesn’t really want my attention and he’s hoping I won’t respond.

“What is it Severus?”  His cheeks are faintly colored pink.

“It’s been three weeks since… that night.”  Neither of us need clarification on what ‘that night’ is.  “I’m aware that in all likelihood you feigned attraction in the hopes of freeing me of the abusive relationship that I was in, and it would in no way offend me if you are uninterested or if you have changed your mind.” 

“Severus.  Why would you think that I’ve changed my mind?”  He doesn’t say anything.  Even after several minutes, he still hasn’t said anything.  “Is it because I didn’t try anything with you.”

“Yes.”  He admits quietly. 

“Do you want to be with me Severus.  Love and Sex and all that.”  His ears are pink.

“Is that okay?”  He asks slowly.  “Can I want that from you?”

“Severus.  I was honest with you early on.  I love you.  Of course I want to touch you!  Severus, it’s okay for you to make the first move.” 

“I don’t know how.”  He’s so cute.  I levitate the table and chess board away so that nothing is between us. 

“Severus.  Come here.”  I don’t comment when he slides onto the floor and kneels in front of me.  I’m sure this is how he’s been trained.  This isn’t really what I wanted though.  “Severus.  Stand up for me love.”  As if realizing what he’s done, he looks mortified.  “Don’t worry about that.”  I grab his hands and lay them on my shoulders then grabbing his hips, I pull him forward until wide eyed, he’s straddling me in the chair.  “It’s alright love.  Ease down for me.”  The palms of my hands cup his round bum.  “Can you give me a taste of your tongue?”  He actually gulps.  With eyes clinched shut he leans forward just enough for me to connect our lips.

He’s going to need some encouragement to relax.  One last squeeze and my hands leave his globes to press against the back of his head.  Gently I suck on his bottom lip, then I bite it until obediently he parts his lips.  I don’t waste time tasting his mouth.  He tastes like his favorite brand of tea.  And honey.  Before I dive in for another taste, I give him a chance to breathe.

“Severus.  I never stopped wanting you.  I want to touch you so much that it hurts.”  To prove my point, I press my erection against his bottom.  His eyes close and he moans lowly.  “I can feel yours too.  It’s pressing into my stomach.”  This time, he connects our lips.  I let him control the kiss while my hands go to his hips and rock him back and forth.  Eventually, he actively moves his hips without my help and I just relax my grip on him.

I nearly cum when he pulls away panting.  He rests his forehead on my shoulder while his hips spasm in my lap.  I can hear his breathing loud in my ears.  Sometimes a deep moan will escape his tight lips.

“That’s good Severus.  Keep going.  Don’t stop.  Don’t stop.”

“Harry…”  He’s whining.  “I can’t….”

“It’s alright.  I got you Severus.”  I squeeze his narrow hips and force them faster.  “It’s okay.  You can cum Severus.  Go on.  Show me how prettily you can moan when you cum.” 

“H..Harry.  I can’t.”

“Shh.  I have you.  Go on love.”  His arms are tightly around me and his face is pressed into my neck.  Long fingers are clutching the back on my shirt almost frantically.  I make quick work of unclasping his pants and pulling his erection out.  He hisses when I squeeze him.  “That feel good?”

“Can’t.  Can’t.” 

“What is it Severus.  Tell me what’s wrong.”  I stroke him slow but deliberately.  “Talk to me Severus.”

“Humiliating.”

“What is?  Do you not like for me to touch you?”

“I.. I like it.”

“What’s humiliating love.  You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“What is?”  Precum is leaking from his slit and I want to taste it again.  I’ll hold off for now.

“Making sounds.  Being touched like this.”

“Do you dislike it?”  I ask in his ear.

“No.”  he whispers almost silently.  “I’m just not accustomed to this type of touching.”  One of his hands grabs my wrist.  “I don’t want to cum now.”  I follow his silent request for me to stop.

“Why not love.”

“Last time, you didn’t… I don’t want to be like Lucius.”  His hand is shaking when it reaches behind him to rub me through my pants. 

“Severus.  Do you want to come into my bedroom?”  I keep my voice low and nonthreatening.  Gently I stroke his hair. 

“Are you going to..”  He pauses and I wait for him to speak again.  It takes a few moments.  “Are you going to have me?”  It sounds so sacrificial. 

“If that’s what you want Severus.  I’d be honored to have you.”

“You will go slow and not hurt me.  I don’t like pain.”

“Just like last time Severus.  I will do everything to replace pain with pleasure.  I don’t want to hurt you Severus.  Will you come into my bedroom?”

“Yes.”  He seems to sighs.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter.

I watched him as he undressed for me.  While still boney and malnourished, the splotchy bruises are gone.  He’s clearly not comfortable having me see him bare.  The scars cover him as much as before.  I kiss his cheek gently then push him to sit on the edge of my bed.

“Severus, you didn’t really get a chance to see me before.”  I think I’m just as nervous at having him see my own scars.  I’m ashamed of them.  “I want you to know that I trust you.”  I remove my pants confidently enough, but when it comes to my shirt, I can’t help but hesitate.  Gathering all the courage I can, I remove the last article of clothing and when he doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary, he tilts his head quizzingly at me.  I try to smile but I’m too busy choking my nerves down.  I kneel in front of him and meaningfully lay my arms on his lap.  Palms facing up.  His eyebrows wrinkle slightly then he looks down. 

“Harry.  What is all this.”

“You are the only one who I’ve told about this.  I promise you it’s been a long time.  My family… no.  My aunt and uncle that took me in were very emotionally abusive to me.  It really affected me.  Before Hogwarts I cut myself often.  They told me that I wasn’t worth existing and I believed them.  I wanted to die.  I’m not proud of this.  When Hagrid found me and told me about Hogwarts, I more or less got over my little habit of dealing with the hurt I often felt.  I friended the first nice person I met and today Ron and I are still very close.  He doesn’t know.  Neither does Hermione.”  My thumb traces one of the deep gashes.  “I always wear long sleeves and this seemed to work fine with hiding them because everyone wears long sleeved robes here.  I could have gone and talked with Poppy.  And I know she could more or less vanish the scars, but I like having them.  When I’m upset, I look at them and remember where I use to be.  I’ve grown.  I’ve matured.  I understand what it’s like to not feel good enough.  I’m ashamed for others to see them because I’m afraid they will think that I am weak or pathetic, but I’m okay now.  I don’t feel the need to hurt myself to cope with sadness.  I have friends now.  Ron.  Hermione.  And you.”

“Harry, thank you for trusting me with this.”  His large hands gently cradle my thin wrists and lightly he presses his lips against one of the faded scars.  The gentle… loving action is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.

“Severus.  I want to make love with you.  Is that alright?”  His mouth parts briefly and then he nods slowly.  “Can you lay on the bed for me?  On your stomach.”  I can’t fully describe how perfect Severus looks on my pillows.  The dark ruby colored sheets suit his porcelain skin.  “You look lovely Severus.”  I can’t stop the smile when that snowy skin is stained pink.  I grab his hips and pull him up on his knees; he more than obediently lets me.  Once on his knees, I spread his legs and gently resume stroking him.  “I’m going to prepare you Severus.  I keep my left hand gripping his ‘wand’ and use my dominant hand to open him up.  Licking my lips, I dive in to devour this tasty treat. 

“Harry!”  I only press my tongue deeper inside him.  “You don’t have to do this!”  I lick his puckered entrance deliberately.

“Does it not feel good?”

“I didn’t say that.”  He’s embarrassed.

“Severus.  I’ll be making love to you.  I don’t want to hurt you, so I’m going to prepare you thoroughly.  I’ve just started, but just look at how soft you are getting.”  Slowly I push a single finger inside of him.  “Once I can get three inside of you, I’ll feel satisfied that you are ready.  This place is so cute though when it twitches around my tongue.”

“You don’t have to.”  He says again.

“Severus.  I want to.  I like doing it.  Do you want me to stop?”

“It feels good.”  He admits slowly.  “I’ve just never felt this before.”

“Then relax love and enjoy it.”  With my finger inside him, my tongue wets the bud before diving back inside.  I take my time massaging my fingers and tongue inside of him silently getting off to his mews of pleasure.  Once I manage to slide three fingers inside of him, I position myself behind him and rub my precum soaked tip against his puckered hole.  “Do you want this Severus?”

“I don’t like pain.”  He whispers.

“Sex can feel good for both partners Severus.  If you have someone who cares.  And I care Severus.  I don’t want to hurt you.  I will do everything to give you as little pain as possible.  At first it might be uncomfortable and maybe it will hurt just a little.  But I’ll be gentle and I’ll go slow.  And I promise you.  You’ll feel pleasure.”

“I think I’m ready.”  I reach my hand under him to grasp his leaking erection.  I stroke him firmly as I inch inside him.  Merlin he’s tight.  Easing in and then withdrawing, that tight ring of muscle is getting use to being breached.  When his body relaxes again, I glide deeper and force my muscles not to piston me inside his perfect channel. 

“You are doing great Severus.”  I jerk his length again before lightly squeezing his testicles.  “Your balls are so swollen.  I bet you’ll cum a lot.”  I can faintly see precum leaking below him.  It’s everything I can do not to move. 

“You can move.”  He whines and that’s all the permission I need.  I push until I bottom out then pull fully out.  Lining myself back up, I impale his cute hole that twitches around me.  Several times I push inside as deeply as I can, linger for just a moment then remove myself from his hot opening.  Each time, I get a good look at his hole that’ll open wide for me to enter again.

And the sounds he makes.

Something between a moan and a throaty scream, Severus will lewdly beg.  Thrusting in again, I grind deeply against his button.  I can feel him tightening around me each time I pull out, almost as if he wants to keep me inside him forever. 

“Harry.  That feels good.”  He tiredly whimpers. 

“Good.  Tell me what you want Severus.  I want to make you feel even better.”  He shivers when I lay my hand on his shoulder.

“I want it faster.  Against that spot.”

“What spot Severus?”

“I don’t know!  You just keep hitting something that feels good.”  He sounds frustrated and needy.  And beautiful.

“Your prostrate.  You want me to fuck your prostrate.”

“Y.. Yes.  Yes!  That’s what I want.”  Severus is passively opening his legs even wider.  I kiss the back of his shoulder and give the man I love exactly what he wants.

“You are so tight Severus.  You feel so good.”

“H.. Harry!”

“Yes Severus.  I love when you call out my name.  I want to fill you up Severus.”

“Harry.  Can’t.  I’ll.. If you keep going I’ll…”

“You’ll cum for me?  Good.  I can’t last much longer either Severus.  I’m getting close.”  It’s been so long since I’ve been able to really get off.  And his channel is so hot and tight squeezing me.  I make sure to hit his prostrate each time if only to hear his naughty open-mouthed moans.  I want him to scream when he cums.  I want him to feel more pleasure than he ever has before.  I want him to completely belong to me.

“Harry!  Ah.  Ahh.”  His hole spasms around me.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Can’t stop.  Feels so good.”  He’s trying to fight off his orgasm and I can’t explain how cute he looks eyes clinched tightly and jaw firmly set.  So I do the only thing I can in that situation.  Faster I stroke the proud man under me to completion.  Even as he’s fighting the pleasure and begging for me, I fuck him deeply into the bed. 

“You’re almost there Severus.  It feels good doesn’t it.  I know you need to cum because you keep squeezing around me so tight.”  When I pull out of him he whines displeased.  “Don’t worry baby.  I’m not done with you.”  With relative ease, I flip him on his back.  I can tell by his wide eyed expression that he wasn’t expecting this.  With my hands grasping his ankles, I bend him into himself and thrust inside him in one go.  His thin lips part long enough for him to moan. 

He’s turning his face away and when I don’t let him, he tries to cover his expression with his hands.  I grab his wrists and pin them beside his head.  “Please.  This is embarrassing.”

“There isn’t anything embarrassing with showing your lover how good you are feeling.  I need to see you cum love.  I need to see when you completely lose yourself.”  Cute pale skin is stained pink.  His hole convulses around me and I moan as a response.  Slightly embarrassed, he looks on with fascination. 

“Does it feel good when I do that.”

“Yes Severus.  You are making me feel so good.  You are so hot inside it feels like I’m melting.”  He squeezes me again so I crash my lips into his.  Violently I use his hole as he uses his tight channel to stroke me.  His tongue confidently fights mine more dominantly with each thrust.  I slide out and impale him again.  Again.  Again.  He breaks the kiss to gasp desperately.  “That’s it baby.  You’re almost there.”  With eyes close and head thrown back he squirms against me, both needing more and hypersensitive.  I pull out a final time then lining myself up to his suckling entrance, I use my full weight to impale him in one go. 

Severus screams.  Throaty and beautifully, and I watch pleased as he paints his stomach.  His already tight hole grabs me so tight and I can’t resist my own completion and bottoming out, I fill him till he overflows.

I let his unconscious suckling milk me as he tiredly collapses back on the bed.  And when I pull out, I watch in lewd fascination as much of my juice leaks out of his perfect little hole.  Severus is exhausted and so am I, but that doesn’t stop him from sorely sitting up and attempting to leave the bed.  The second I grab his arm, he flinches and it’s like we are back to square on.

“Severus.  What are you doing?”

“I was getting dressed to leave.”  He’s looking at me with clear confusion.  As gently as I can, I pull him back on the bed and drape my arm over his tense frame.

“It’s considered rude to shag and run.  Are you opposed to staying a bit and cuddling?” 

“Is that… okay?” 

“Severus.  Do you want to leave?  Do you actually want to leave right now?”

“No.  I don’t.”  He says ashamed at himself.

“Then don’t.  Stay as long as you want to Severus.  Stay the night if you’d like.  I’d enjoy having you to snuggle up against.”

“Are you sure.  I’ve never really ‘cuddled’ before.”  I laugh lightly and I can tell that it’s calmed him some.

“Well don’t worry Severus.  You’re smart.  I’m sure you’ll learn quickly.”  It’s hard to see from this angle, and it could be a trick of the light, but I’m pretty sure he’s smiling right now.

“Yes Harry.  I’m sure with a bit of practice I will.”

“Then let’s get to the practice.”  I say curling his body closer to mine.  “I think you’ve mastered it already.”

“Only with you Harry.”  No Severus.  Only with you.


End file.
